i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
