worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
