Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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