i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
