Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
