Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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