this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
