You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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