i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
