He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
