the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
