She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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