If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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