At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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