he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
