You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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