Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
