i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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