U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Dignity is for republicans.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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