He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
