Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
