The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
