When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
