I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize