i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
