I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
