I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
