My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
