Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
