everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
