Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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