I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
