I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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