you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
