when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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