Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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