I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
