i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i will never coherently bang her
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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