it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize