I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
