remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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