im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
