Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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