I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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