ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
