My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
