So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
