It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
