I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
