I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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