zippers are such a cool invention
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
