Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
