i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
