She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
